last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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