I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
