just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
