I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
