Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
