Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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