They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
