Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
