bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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