I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You can't just leave with hair like that
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
