She is in my trunk
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Farmville is her only friend.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
