her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
