For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Randomize
