Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
