I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
