i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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