Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
