I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
