Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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