So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
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