Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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