You kept trying to hail an ambulance
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
