Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pop tarts are not kleenex
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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