my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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