Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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