New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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