...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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