it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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