Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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