The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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