Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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