You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
