my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
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This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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