Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
