That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you are never too drunk for berry picking
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
