Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
