we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
