have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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