I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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