apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
