party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
being pregnant is like rehab
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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