My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
