i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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