My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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