bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
