She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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