i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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