at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I love you.
Bad choice
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
