I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
