Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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