Cold hands, warm shart.
hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
