I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
