My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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