I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
