oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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